Sexual Arousal & Sex Drive

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How does it happen that merely by thinking about sexy things, one becomes sexually aroused?

This is a bit complicated, but I will try to put it as simply as I can. It is chiefly the result of the interaction of a certain part of the brain with a special set of nerves that is responsible for physical sexual arousal, i.e. erection of the penis in a man, and erection of the clitoris and nipples, and swelling of the labia and lubrication in a woman.

These special nerves' function is to regulate the blood-flow to the parts I have just mentioned, so that they swell and become erect or swollen.

The erection nerves are connected by the spinal column to the cerebrum, which is the mass of the brain that lies above the level of our eyes. The cerebrum is divided up into regions, each of which is responsible for a specific activity. There is also a region which regulates our sexual responsiveness.

When a man or a woman sees, hears, reads or thinks of something which registers in the brain as being sexually stimulating, the 'sexual responsiveness' region passes the message down the spinal column to the erection nerves.

By the way, the process can go the other way round. Manual or oral stimulation of the nerves in the man's penis-head and frenulum and in the woman's clitoral and vulva, send messages to the brain that there are sexually arousing stimuli, and the 'sexual responsiveness' region sends a message back to the erection nerves, and you are physically aroused.

Whether or not this arousal results in orgasm and ejaculation depends on many factors, including how sexually uninhibited and expressive you are, as well as your intention to avoid premature ejaculation and your skill in knowing how to extend intercourse.

Though the 'sexual responsiveness' region of the brain plays a leading role in physical sexual arousal, the continuation of the sensations of sexual arousal, i.e. the increase in physical tension sensations, culminating in the involuntary contractions of certain muscles that accompany orgasm in both male and female, is the result of activity by other sections of the nervous system.

For example, the peripheral nervous system which connects the central nervous system with various tissues of the body; and the automatic nervous system which regulates the 'automatic' activities, of breathing, heart-beating and the muscles of the intestines.

The autonomic nervous system has two operating divisions, called respectively the sympathetic and the parasympathetic, which in general produce opposite and counter-balancing effects as the particular organ demands.

The parasympathetic division helps in producing erection by stimulating the erectile tissue of penis, clitoris, nipples and labia. The sympathetic division, on the other hand, can come into play and prevent erection if the man or woman is, for instance, overcome by intense emotion or is afraid of failure to be aroused and achieve orgasm, or is afraid of sex for some reason.

This leads to the explosion of one of a number of myths connected with the sex-drive - the myth that the 'involuntary' sex-drive regulates the frequency with which we want to fuck. Let's get a little bit basic. If you, an average-sexed man or woman, only had it off when your sexual chemistry, i.e. your 'involuntary' sex-drive, told you you wanted it, you, a man, would only want sex twice a week, and you, a woman, would only want sex three or four times a month.

Instant Arousal

But from your own experience, you know how sex can arise from nowhere. You've been sitting watching TV, with sex as remote from your minds as possible, and you have brushed against your partner, or he has brushed against you, and all of a sudden you are as randy as hell, and there is nothing to be done but to make love. This happens even more often when you are in bed together, especially if you are sleeping naked.

It has not been your sex-drive building up tension that has aroused you. It has been a combination of touch, thoughts, spontaneous mental pictures and a sudden, almost unconscious desire!

And there must have been occasions, too, when not feeling the slightest bit randy, you have deliberately and calculatedly begun to caress your partner with the object of arousing her and finishing up in her and you haven't been at it for long before your penis is as stiff as a ram-rod, your testes are aching and the tension in your pelvis makes it absolutely unmistakable that you've got to have sexual release soon.

Premature ejaculation is a way that a man may express his anger, resentment, or fear of women - albeit unconsciously. Controlling premature ejaculation is therefore a wonderful way to express love, harmony and connection with your sexual partner.

Are Men or Women Sexier?

Generally we believe men are more sexually responsive than women.

If a woman relied on her biological urges, she would be randy only three or four days in the twenty-eight; and this applies to the vast majority of women. But many women want the physical and psychological satisfaction of sex more often than men.

I think that the idea men are more sexually active than women sprang from a combination of reasons.

 First, your average man can have an erection easily in response to physical and/or psychological stimulation.

Second, if he wishes to take every erection to its ultimate conclusion, whether he feels sexual tension or not, orgasm is inescapable.

Third, there is no doubt that he is more promiscuous minded.

Fourth, very few men surround their actual physical sexual activities with the kind of modesty that so many women do, and there are very few men who feel that sex degrades them.

Fifth, as Kinsey showed, though the average woman reaches orgasm in a little less than four minutes - compared with the average male's two to five minutes - in self-masturbation, she requires a minimum of ten minutes' stimulation to reach orgasm in heavy petting or lovemaking.

Sixth, the fact that all women are capable of multiple orgasm (though only a comparatively low number always achieve multiple orgasms during intercourse) has been overlooked - or even not known about - and has added to the picture of the woman's slower responsiveness.

Seventh, the fact that many women are often sexually satisfied with foreplay that does not end in orgasm seems to emphasize the so-called differences between male and female sexual response.

Despite all this, however, it is easy to demonstrate that the woman is as responsive to the voluntary sex-drive as is the man. It may take her longer to begin to respond during lovemaking, but at any time she can respond, if she will not deliberately hold back her 'voluntary' sex-drive. This is the key to successfully controlling premature ejaculation so that a man can satisfy his partner in bed. Find out how to control ejaculation here.

So far I have made little reference to sexual capacity and sexual performance as factors in the sex-drive. If the equality that undoubtedly exists is accepted by women themselves, they will no longer be able to hide behind their excuses of tiredness, headaches, 'Don't feel like it' and a number of other false reasons for avoiding lovemaking!

 This would mean a great deal to counselors like me; we should have our case-load dramatically eased; and we would all welcome that. But apart from this selfish reason, the overall result could not fail to be many more happier couples than there are now. Mind you, men have their part to play in this.

There is information to support the idea that differences between the male and the female sex drives may be largely due to 'environmental factors'.

For example, nine out of ten married women who never came off during lovemaking were convinced - in general terms - that the male's desire for sex is stronger than the female's. This is a state of mind, but nevertheless it has a very strong influence on physical sexual response.